How to Be a Jerk: Tutorial 101


How many of you used to say cool stood for “Constipated Over weighted Out of style Loser“? I’m sure you remember “Junior Educated Rich Kid” then too ^^. Today, we’re going to talk about how you can be instantly transformed into a human entity known as “The Jerk“.

Jerks are normally rare to find straight out due to rising standards of society. However, that doesn’t make them extinct. They just tend to wear special masks called “BORED” (Being Over Reassuring-that-they-are-nice and Effectually Double-standard). And I’m sure you guys know that power lies in the mask! (The Amazing Spiderman, anyone?) So what does this dreadful mask do?

It makes it look like these people care about you (but usually, the mask doesn’t cover up The Jerk enough) and that they are the nicest people on earth with niceness literally oozing off of them in heavy waves and you get knocked over and feel like the most uncultured, rude person to have ever walked past their existence.

So, where can you get your own BORED mask? Here’s what you need to do.

Step 1: Stand in front of the mirror and make the nicest smile you can on your face.
Step 2: Walk around with that face for the whole day.
Step 3: Recite the following over and over: “I am better than every one here and look, I have a nice smile on my face to prove it
Step 4: Practice the BORED mask on people around you.
Step 5: Try slipping in snide comments.
Step 6: Remind yourself that you are better and that it is your duty to tell people what is wrong with them in that sideway sort of style.
Step 7: If someone points it out, tell them “But it’s true
Step 8: NEVER get defensive. Tell people to get a life and chug on forth with your rainbow painted guns.

Good job! You are now a Level One Grunt of the community of humanity known as “The Jerks“!

What? You want to upgrade your Jerk Level? Oh, alright…

Level Two Jerks are the kind of jerks who take The Jerk to an offensive level. Basically, when your prey doesn’t come to you, you go to them. For that, you need the WITCH (Words that Initiate Tears Cheers and Hate). The WITCH is a psychological weapon that you must create yourself. It consists of a ‘cut and run’ routine that you must instill upon your Jerkness.

What should your WITCH accomplish? You must be able to make a successful jab at a person’s sense of security, ego and consciousness, causing the victim to tear. Don’t worry, tears are just a reflex action meant to lower your Jerk Level so that why you have to mentally cheer yourself to continue. Simply recite “I am better than every one here and look, I have a nice smile on my face to prove it” (from Jerk Level One) and wait for the hate response.

The way you react is what will take you to Jerk Level Three. Either you can take the Jerk Level One route and say “Get a life! Man, you’re sensitive!” or you could go to Jerk Level Three and say “Oh, is that how you feel about me? I get it, you think I’m not smart enough to have my own opinion” and act all offended.

So what exactly is Jerk Level Three? Jerk Level Three is when The Jerk is so jerked up, they wage psychological and social wars with the rest of humanity. To be a true Jerk Level Three (aka, the Jerkween) you must

  • bull doze through criticism like a great typhoon
  • burn down people’s defenses like a raging fire
  • leave no evidence and act as mysterious as the dark side of the moon

It’s easy enough! Now that you have completed a certified Jerk Course, you are eligible to join the army of The Jerks! Sign up on and receive your free “The Jerk Today” newsletter every month right on your door step! Remember, a grunt today is a Jerkween tomorrow! Don’t forget to add to the hashtag trend #JerksUnited on twitter, Facebook and Instagram! Let’s get this Jerk Movement started!

Additionally, you don’t NEED to be a jerk to radiate hearts, have a perfect smile or feel good about yourself. True, Jerks tend to have a high level of self confidence and self esteem but following the Jerk lifestyle is your choice and your choice alone 😀 #JerksUnited and cookies on the dark side.

Disclaimer: This blog post is written for purely humorous reasons. There is NO such website, NO such free newsletter, NO such hashtag and NO such movement. The Author would also like to point out that she isn’t a jerk most of the time. Sorry if you got too excited about this whole “free newsletter” business. All content is solely the work of the Author (except the film references).

Have a great week ^^.

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