Roast Yourself

Remember when this was a trend on Youtube? First there used to be Youtubers who wrote diss tracks on other people, until some people decided enough was enough- it was time to roast yourself. Nobody likes talking badly about themselves, but compared to the alternative of having a stranger pick out bad things about you, it seems like a good idea to get the job done yourself first. After all, it’s easier to laugh off self criticism than dealing with unsolicited opinions.

So I thought, hey. How about I try roasting myself?

I wrote this a long time ago. Sometime in June 2016, so of course some things might seem pretty outdated for me to say, but nevertheless, I’ve decided to finally share it with you guys. I hope you like my attempts of being poetic and hip.

R O A S T – Y O U R S E L F

Hey girl, why’re you hidin’ your follower count!
Is it cause a lot of people don’t want you around?
I’m not surprised- hey! Check out your wacky name!
It’s good enough to be put in the blogger hall of shame! 

But wait, that funny image there on the side
It’s terrible line art, your template must’ve cried!
You drew it? It’s horrible, a deceptive misconception
‘Cause girl you look Chinese but you’re actually South Asian! 

Your humor is horrible, your jokes aren’t funny
Forget blogger hauls, you don’t know how to spend your money
You don’t even know what kind of blogger you really are
Just like when I ask “You’re 20, right? Why aren’t you driving a car?” 

If you’re going to blog, the least you can do it stick to a niche
The trash you write makes me want to drink some bleach
You vague blog about tweeps, tumblr, not to mention vegans
I totally understand why you don’t have many friends! 

What’s your handle on twitter? Optic Chiasma? Are you kidding me?
If you’re really gonna be a doctor, get back to your books and study!
You think you can write a medblr blog like you’re some sort of sage
But you score around sixties in your exams and that’s a C grade! 

Blog stats drop to 30 when you’re not scheduling on twitter
My advice to you? Go home and call yourself a quitter
Stop scheduling tweets that are designed to click bait
We all know it’s not gonna work- look at that 90% bounce rate! 

Have you seen your pictures? Your camera is outdated!
Stop cheaping out, get a new one or get it renovated!
Covering it all up with some paint editing now, are you?
That’s not going to get you likes on Instagram, it’s absolutely true! 

I think we’ll finish this up here before you actually cry
This roast could get a lot worse considering I didn’t even try
Your esteem is in tatters, fragile and easy to sweep away
Lock it up in a box, why don’t you, cause that’s where it should stay!

Well, did you like that? I was thinking about tagging people to write roasts on themselves but not everyone is up to the challenge of making fun of themselves! If you think you could do it, by all means, go ahead. I’d love to see your creativity and honesty about yourself! Have a nice day.

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